an essence of love, life and loneliness
by theywillliveon
Summary: She wanted him, though she didn't know it. He craved her, in all respects of the word, and had known it since the age of eleven. It was a fantasy, that blossomed into love, that in turn lead to heartbreak and devastation and a mass of confusion. A story in which Lily Potter tries to make sense of her own memories. (on hiatus for the time being)
1. prologue

**AN ESSENCE OF LOVE, LIFE AND LONELINESS**

 **Summary:** Lily reflects back on her memories of her life, attempting to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them to use for a while. All credit goes to the extraordinarily talented J.K. Rowling.

* * *

 **PROLOGUE**

* * *

He didn't know her.

And she would never understand him.

He wanted to.

She - well. To put it nicely, didn't. In any way, shape or form.

She wanted to fly, to stretch out her wings and leap without stopping to think. She wanted to be free. The trouble was, she didn't know how.

He wanted to run, forever

and ever

and

ever.

Never looking back, never stopping to think.

She had always followed the rules.

He had broken hundreds.

She was intent on leaving school with a perfect record; he was relentless in his troublemaking antics, never once giving his future any thought.

She had learned to accept what would come her way, and be grateful for all that she had. She was generous, and kind, and selfless to the core.

He had been spoiled rotten since the day of his birth, always taking things for granted and almost never putting anyone else's well being before his own.

Until he met her, and learnt how to love.

How to value someone else's life so, so much more than your own.

Until she met him, and learnt how to breathe.

How to jump without pausing, on reckless impulse alone, finally free.

Until they met each other, and found a loud moment of joy in the dense silence of a terrible time.

But life is cruel. And war never ends. And tragedies like these only ever bring people closer. Even if in the most harrowing ways.


	2. chapter one: the first memory

**Summary:** Lily reflects back on her memories of her life, attempting to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them to use for a while. All credit goes to the extraordinarily talented J.K. Rowling.

* * *

 **CHAPTER ONE - the first memory**

* * *

 _September, 1971_

Through the thick, billowing clouds of smoke, a trolley appeared, followed shortly by a slim redheaded girl, with pale skin and emerald-green eyes. Tucking her hair behind one ear, she looked around rather nervously, eyes wide with both excitement and apprehension. Her parents stood behind her, gazing animatedly at their newfound surroundings. Drawing in a deep breath, she took a step forward -

Only to careen into a lanky body with a dangerously messy mop of hair.

"Hey! Watch it!" the girl said crossly. Barely even looking up to acknowledge her, the boy - for that was what he was - flashed a wide grin, exposing a set of pearly-white teeth, before racing off in the other direction. Her parents moved towards her with concerned expressions plastered all over both their faces.

"Are you alright, Lily dear?" her mother asked, her parental instincts kicking in.

"I'm fine, I just wasn't looking where I was going," the girl - Lily - muttered. She was still in shock from the sudden collision with one of her future classmates so soon. And from the boy's lack of manners. And his eerily good looks - _not_ that she had been noticing that, anyway.

Turning away from her still anxious-looking parents, she focused on the task at hand - finding Severus. He did not take long to spot - a pale, pallid boy with dark, straggly hair, Severus Snape was the only other person Lily knew who was, like her, attending Hogwarts this year - in fact, he was the only other member of the wizarding community that she had ever spoken to. That is, if you excluded the visit from the sinister witch who had first come to speak with Lily and her parents, informing them that Lily in fact possessed magical powers, and had an invitation to a magical school of magic where magic was taught in magical classrooms by magical teachers who would also train them to control their magical abilities.

Though she did not normally consider people who she had only met two weeks ago as friends, seeing as her lack of magical education was so extreme, she supposed that he was the closest thing to one that she had right now.

As Lily began to push her trolley over to the spot where the sallow-skinned boy was waiting, she heard the train's whistle, and quickly turned around again to say goodbye to her parents - and, she supposed, her sister Petunia as well. Tuney had been ignoring Lily ever since they had first found out she was a witch, and the redhead realised now that the fact that she was leaving for boarding school would not change her sister's attitude. Indeed, as her mother and father both gave her hugs and whispered tearful farewells into her ear, she looked up, only to see Tuney impatiently tapping her foot, with a barely-concealed bored expression on her face. Not once did Petunia even send so much as a glance in Lily's direction. Sighing to herself, she gently wriggled out of her father's embrace, before boarding the train and giving her family one last wave before the train doors slammed and the wheels began spinning.

After successfully locating the luggage compartment, and stashing her trunk inside of it, Lily walked down the rickety corridor, lost in thought - until she, once again, collided with something extremely warm and solid. And breathing. Grinning at her was the same boy, with the same messy hair and the same mischievous demeanour.

"You again," he said, his eyes twinkling. "Seem to have a habit of crashing into people, don't you?"

"Excuse me?" Lily asked incredulously. "As I recall, _you_ were the one who bumped into _m_ e the first time, not the other way round!"

"Huh," he said with an exaggerated frown. "Funny, I remembered something completely different. If you had actually been watching where you were going -"

" _Excuse_ me?" she repeated. "If you hadn't been running around the platform like a complete lunatic, I wouldn't have -"

"Lily?" A new voice entered the conversation. Whipping around, Lily heaved a great sigh of relief as she greeted the newcomer - who was none other than the very person she had been looking for, Severus Snape.

"Severus!" Lily cried in delight. "Thank goodness you found me, I -"

Once again, she was cut off from finishing her sentence.

" _Severus?_ " the boy said with a snort. Lily shot him her best dirty look, while the boy in question stared daggers at the other.

"James!" came another boy's voice, followed by its owner. "There you are, we've been looking all over for you, I was beginning to -" he stopped short at the sight of the other two students. "Who are you?" he asks, smirking in the same irritating way as his friend - James, she supposed - did. "I'm Lily Evans, and this is Seve…"

And just like that, the memory fades away, into a deep expanse of grey nothingness.


	3. chapter two: a life worth living

**Summary:** Lily reflects back on her memories of her life, attempting to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them to use for a while. All credit goes to the extraordinarily talented J.K. Rowling.

* * *

 **CHAPTER TWO - a life worth living**

* * *

 _January, 1982_

She sits on the dusty old chair, staring blankly ahead. The room is empty; the house long deserted. She came here to think; to escape from the rest of the world and, if only for a little while, be alone with her mind. She can't be at home - a cottage filled with terrible, terrible memories, and no one there to share her pain. Sirius sometimes stops by, but even then it's lonely, the two of them just sitting in silence, him puffing on a cigarette, her frowning and trying to make sense of the world. He's company, at least. It's a relief.

Sighing now, she stands up, and brushes her skirt for any invisible specks of dust. She remembers the first time she ever saw James. She remembers how he had landed his very first detention - in McGonagall's Transfiguration class, only a week after they had arrived at Hogwarts for the first time. She doesn't remember why - after all, she had hated them, and they in turn had hated her - or so she thought. She remembers the way he carried himself in the corridors, with that god-awful smirk and one hand in his hair. She remembers fifth year, when he had been completely besotted with her. She remembers sixth year, how quiet he had become, how withdrawn he was, and so non-Jameslike. She remembers seventh year, a year of peril but safety within the castle's walls; a year of love and truces and loss. She remembers that it took her seven years to fall in love with him; she remembers how happy she had been, how they had actually thought they would have a future together.

She remembers her world falling apart, and she decides she doesn't want to remember anymore.

She wants it to stop. The memories, the great tidal waves in which they flow, a pouring waterfall of pain and torment and sadness and emotions too immense for her to handle.

So she walks out the door, and doesn't look back.

* * *

Sometime later, she goes to see a Muggle therapist, telling him only that she has suffered a great deal and she wants it all to go away. She tells him about her nightmares, how they keep her awake at night. She tells him she hasn't slept properly in over a year. She describes the agony she feels, as if she has been ripped from her body and then torn into tiny shreds of paper. She explains the loss that she has undergone, and how she doesn't feel comfortable around people anymore. She states the way her house feels empty, all the time, and how she doesn't know what her purpose in life is anymore. She tells him she wants to die.

He recommends sleeping pills, and tells her to come back a week later.

She never does.

* * *

Over time, the memories, the unwanted ones, come flooding back -

It was their seventh year, Halloween, and James had been sitting at the Gryffindor table, dining alone. Lily frowned; it was rare that he would be seen without the company of the other Marauders - nevertheless, she approached her boyfriend and sat down beside her. He didn't even look up, a sure sign that something was wrong, so Lily placed one hand gently over his, forcing him to abandon his relentless staring competition with the rosewood of the table.

"What's wrong?" she asked quietly, though she knew James would not give her a full explanation - he never did. Sure enough, he took his hand out from under hers, and placed it in his lap. "Nothing," he muttered, though it was obvious it was anything but. Lily sighed. "Please, James, if you would just talk to me, maybe I could -"

"What? Help?" For the first time since she had sat down, he looked up at her, with cold, shadowed eyes. It frightened her; he was never like this.

"Well - yes," Lily said, frowning slightly. "James, I'm trying my hardest here. If you never tell me what's wrong, I'll never be able to understand you, and we need that communication if this is ever going to work!"

James let out a harsh laugh. "Lily, don't concern yourself with my issues. If you don't like it like that, then fine. You're right, this relationship was never going to work. We're too different."

He stood up, and left Lily behind, utterly bewildered and at a loss for words as to what had just happened.

Later that night, she would find out the truth. And he was right, she didn't understand. She still didn't have the full picture; she knew there were missing pieces, and though it didn't seem to bother James, it kept her up at night, thinking and thinking and thinking until sleep

finally

overcame her.

* * *

 **A/N:** Hey guys! I hope you're all enjoying the story so far. The chapters will definitely get longer, these first few are just going to be a tad shorter just as the characters are all introduced. Let me know what you think in the reviews!


	4. chapter three: of loss and pain

**Summary:** Lily reflects back on her memories of her life, attempting to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them to use for a while. All credit goes to the extraordinarily talented J.K. Rowling.

* * *

 **CHAPTER THREE - of loss and pain**

* * *

 _July, 1980_

 _War does not determine who is right -_

 _Only who is left._

* * *

They came for them at the wedding - a small affair, though with enough members of the Order for it to be a perfect time to attack. One minute, Lily was in his arms, swaying in time to the music, and the next, the evening air was filled with shouts and cries of terror as the space was occupied by what seemed like hundreds of Apparating Death Eaters.

James was the first to react; after school, he had always walked around fully prepared for an attack, as if the world might crumble beneath them at any given moment, encasing them whole and plummeting them down to a pit full of homicidal Death Eaters. There was a moment, where everything stood still, as if frozen in time, and Lily could see the whole scene laid out before her like she was an angelic being: her newly-wedded husband, wand already in hand, pointed straight towards the nearest Death Eater; Marlene, mouth gaping open in horror; Sirius, with a look of disgust aimed directly at a female Death Eater, with long curly black hair; and the rest of the wedding guests, terrified expressions lining their faces, wands momentarily forgotten.

And then, as if someone had turned on a lightbulb, everyone began moving at once; James screamed at her to run; Sirius and Remus were already poised to attack, wands at the ready; Peter had disappeared - whether he had Apparated or simply transformed, Lily didn't know; and Marlene, sweet, lovely Marlene, mouth still gaping open, not attempting to run, not attempting to hide, as a Killing Curse struck her directly below the heart.

Once again, it was like time had stopped completely: Lily felt as if she was in a dream, floating, floating, and unable to do anything, _anything_ to save her best friend, she did not even notice James' firm hand around her wrist, dragging her towards the entrance, where the Anti-Apparition charm ended; she could not stop staring, wide-eyed in hopelessness, at Marlene McKinnon's motionless body.

It was her first time witnessing death. And it would certainly not be her last.

* * *

The funeral was a brief affair. Marlene's mother had tearfully asked Lily whether she wanted to give a speech, which Lily promptly declined. She couldn't even bear to think about Marlene, let alone talk about her. For the entire duration of the ceremony, she had focused on the ground in front of her, not bothering to listen to any of the wonderful, wonderful things being said about her best friend. What did it matter? She was dead anyway. Praising her wouldn't change that; living in the past and basking in memories wouldn't bring her back.

The first night, Lily had cried herself to sleep. Hesitantly, James had put his arms around her, and it comforted her, knowing that he, at least, was still alive. Remus had told them who had escaped the wedding and who hadn't - but Lily didn't like to dwell on it. She was just relieved that the Marauders were still alive.

The second night, Lily had stayed up until it was no longer dark, instead being early morning, talking to James about Marlene and all the fond memories she had of her. She didn't cry. Not once. She felt happy; at peace.

The third night was when it really hit her. Never again would she hear the tinkle of Marlene's laugh, or the way she clomped up the stairs when she was in a mood, or the way she would cry and eat and laugh with Lily, after a particularly bad day. That she was really _gone_ \- she didn't exist anymore. She was a phantom girl, an echo of a person contained only in Lily's mind. The news had come a day after the funeral - Voldemort had burned the McKinnon manor down. No one survived. The name was gone, the family was gone, Marlene was gone. James had never been particularly close to her; he had few memories to remember her with. It was only within Lily where she lived on; it was up to Lily, now, for the name Marlene McKinnon to never be forgotten.

It was Sirius who suggested the book. To write down all they could remember, as a group, about each and every person they knew whose lives had been lost in the war. Whether it was one sentence, or whether it was more than a page - it didn't matter. They knew that they could all be dead by the next day - it was their duty, as the ones left, to make sure the world would remember those who were gone. It took many days, and many late nights, and many bottles of Firewhisky to complete it - racking their brains for any small memory, anything at all. For those who they could not remember at all, they simply wrote their names down. For those who they could remember, they wrote down all the memories they had, perhaps including pictures. And for those who were nameless, whose identities had already been forgotten, whose names had been lost in the war, there was a blank page, at the very beginning of the book.

The pain inside Lily's heart never ceased. Marlene was gone; and nobody knew who would be next.

War destroyed them. It was only with the birth of her son, not a week after Marlene's death, that Lily found a reason to live.

* * *

 **A/N:** Hope you guys are liking the story so far! I know it's a little confusing, but please bear with me... I also realise that some of these dates might not line up with JK's original ones - please keep in mind that this plot is my own, so you might notice some tiny changes from the actual books.

Don't be a silent reader! I'd love to know what you guys think.


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